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P.O. Box 2176, Chicago, IL 60690; (773) 531-8798; www.beansouptimes.com

 FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE                                   CONTACT
July 25, 2004                                                               Toure Muhammad 773-531-8798

Suffering from racism or negroism? Try the Smack Patch

Modern science is incredible. People will all kinds of ailments and shortcomings can get potions, pills, and patches that control smoking, overeating, low sex drive, child birth, mood swings, etc. However, my arms are folded as I wait for a medicinal curbing for probably the biggest problem in America—racism. In fact, it is such a problem that I’m offering $1 million to whoever develops the cure. Scientists of the world, I challenge you to find out what part of the medulla oblongata makes a person think they are better because of their skin tone and fix that.

I think this remedy would work best as a patch because of how it could then be applied. I’ve already thought of a name: Smack Patch. It works just like other patches that are applied to the body. Nevertheless, there is one thing unique about my patch; it must be applied forcibly to the back of the neck only.

The Smack Patch would have been handy when I got pulled over by police simply because I was driving while black in an affluent, all white neighborhood a couple of years ago. I could have pulled a Smack Patch out of my wallet and SMACK! “Take that you lousy coppers!”

The Patch would go well when local news stations report that police are looking for a burglar suspect who was “African American, 5feet 11 inches with a dark shirt.” Anytime the police description resembled me and 100 other black men I know, I’d go to the studio and SMACK! “Take that you lousy reporter!”

I wouldn’t care who got upset either. I’d seek no support. I’d have a ball going on a unilateral, “shock and awe” smacking campaign. Bill O’Reilly (SMACK!) Howard Stern (SMACK!) Rupert Murdock (SMACK!) “Take that you lousy bums!”

Now if we keep it real, then, just like hair care products and clothes (i.e. too much Africa squeezed into European jeans), there would have to be a different type of patch for black folks. Because blacks may not be racists, but we can sure be Negroes and that requires an “anti-negro” patch. The goal of course, would be to make sure a Negro turned black. First on the list: Condoleezza Rice, then Clarence Thomas, and Colin Powell (SMACK, SMACK, SMACK!) “Don’t get upset people, I’m only smacking you to help you,” I’d say. “Give it a few minutes, you’ll feel the difference.”

It would be a great day in America, because for many racists and negroes who want to quit, will power alone isn’t enough to beat the yearning; it takes a good smack on the back of the neck. So if a person can become a lean, mean emotionally stable sexual machine, then why not be non racist. Come on scientist…I’m waiting.

(Toure Muhammad publishes Bean Soup Times, the only Black-owned newspaper in the country that spoofs the media, popular culture, politics, and entertainment. More info at www.beansouptimes.com)

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