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Fake KFC chicken flesh keeps consumer
safe from bird flu
KENTUCKY—KFC executives eased fears yesterday as
it announced the impossibility of consumers getting bird flu from eating their
chickens.
“Bird flu is an
infection caused by viruses that occur naturally among birds,” said
KFC executive Thomas Dehoit from the steps of KFC’s white columned mansion
headquarters in Louisville.
“There is no need to fear KFC because our chickens are
fake, thus it’s impossible for them to become infected. Something unnatural,
such as a fake chicken, can’t get a virus that only occurs naturally.
That’s why we changed the name Kentucky Fried Chicken to KFC. We wanted to
remove any references to chicken.”
KFC
assured consumers that they can still enjoy the same great taste of Original
Recipe® chicken with its unique, mouth-watering, still-secret blend of 11
herbs and spices, as well as Extra Crispy™ chicken.
KFC consumer nationwide let out a sigh of relief. Despite
consumer fears, Sandra has never been the least bit concerned. “I’m so
happy to learn that it’s not real chicken because I eat enough fried chicken
to have my own million chicken march,” said Sandra Williamson. “I thank
God every day for Col. Harland Sanders, the man who perfected that finger
licking good recipe,”
There are nearly 13,300 KFC restaurants worldwide and
Sandra has been to more than half of them. “I trust the colonel with my
life,” she added. “But I do wonder, just out of curiosity, what type of
substance is that fake chicken?”
The public may never know because that secret is as
widely guarded as the original hand-written recipe developed by the colonel
more than 50 years ago. “I can’t reveal it, but let’s just say that
gibbon monkeys don’t get bird flu,” said Dehoit.
But Dehoit became noticeably nervous when asked by this
star reporter from Bean Soup Times, about the possibility of a fake bird flu
virus infecting their fake chickens. “We’ve never considered a fake
virus,” said Dehoit. “That would be a disaster.”
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