Rover Finds Homeless on Mars

Rover finds Chicago’s Homeless on Mars, Daley’s Ego bruised at flight of the needy

CHICAGO—After viewing the photos, Mayor Daley admitted that the city-sponsored homeless census count was too low because 6,000 of Chicago’s finest homeless people moved to Mars in hopes of improving their chances of acquiring water and decent housing.

The city announced last week that its three-hour survey found only 958 homeless people in Chicago. The city planned to use the head count and survey to help eliminate homelessness in Chicago in ten years, but the mayor felt slighted by the homeless move.

“This is disturbing. Why would these people move from the city of big shoulder to the planet of red boulders?” said Daley. “This completely throws off our plan to find them a home right here in Chicago. Mars? For crying out loud! And just when we had the public housing thing under control. When I find out who is responsible for moving them, I will fire them. I don’t care if they are members of my own family or if they even work for the city or not. Wherever they work, I will fire them.”

Activists that criticized the Mayor’s low count are now backpedaling in light of the new evidence. “This obviously changes our position that Da Mayor deliberately undercounted the homeless numbers in hopes of making himself look good,” said Avery Whitehouse III, an anti-homeless advocate. “Actually, we’d like to work with him to move those still here. This is the greatest thing since the creation of Liberia.”

“I know King Richard is upset, but this is a great opportunity for me. I’m a pioneers, just like the first Pilgrims who landed on Plymouth Rock,” said Cicely Beavers (shown above) during a phone interview. “First, I’ll get the Martians to teach me how to cook and survive. Then I’ll kill them with not only my disease infested blanket, but with something even more sinister; I’ll give them my season tickets to both the Bulls and Blackhawk games for 2005.”








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