Merchants Militia Wants Dancing Sugar Plum Fairy Dead

Humor, News 1 767
The following is how the M4 envisioned the Sugar Plum Fairy in its collective mind

By Corey Hall

Editor’s warning: You have the right to remain subversive. Anything you say or think in support of this satire can and will be used against you in the color-blind Court of Public Opinion. If you are unable to present an attorney at this very second to help defend your doubts about this post-racial America…well, just surrender right now to the bailiff so that we may imprison the next suspect.

The Magnanimous Mileage Merchants Militia (M4) has drafted a petition requesting police protection for its shoppers, staff, and sense of self from a dancing, sugar plum fairy. This person of interest has not been identified as a resident by any security guards that work the surrounding condominiums on Ole South Michigander Avenue – mostly for tips, which is compensation, sources say, for the numerous backhanded compliments and askance glances they receive from the well-meaning, peace-loving residents.

However, people who resemble the dancing sugar plum fairy — in skin complexion only — are still seen spending large sums of money in the community’s nearby stores, even though no one who resembles them actually owns any of these businesses.

M4 has joined forces with the police to closely monitor the suspect, whose estimated 4’ 11” 95-pound frame features short strands of coarse hair angrily arranged in braids that stand stock still — even as she dances to songs celebrating this festive season of cheer, which are blasted at decibel levels from an iPod. Whenever she dances, mobs of onlookers, numbering between three and five people, gather to observe, applaud, and, occasionally, hurl coins and bills into a nearby container.

Many M4 members are concerned that these donations may actually be cover, a form of protection, if you will, that may shield them — and only them — from future subversive acts that could possibly disrupt the surrounding ma-and-pa corporations. M4’s petition addresses these grave concerns, requesting that this threat be permanently removed from the public area adjacent to their privately-owned stores.

This publication has obtained a copy of the Militia’s petition. It begins:



Number of firearms owned:

Number of Loss-Prevention subjects currently employed to monitor the sugar plum fairy and all people who resemble her that either a) Window-shop at our businesses, causing discomfort even amongst our mannequins, or b) Compromise our employees’ safety by purchasing from us, even after we have tried our best to make them feel uncomfortable:

The alderman representing this ward — affectionately nicknamed “Branded So Highly” for overseeing such security threats that darken his constituents’ color-blind world view, merry mood, and sense of entitlement — discussed the petition’s purpose.

“See that?” the alderman asked, while pointing toward the sugar plum fairy bowing as an onlooker deposited money into the container. “This community is not seeing any of that money. She is going to take that money for herself. That type of guerilla marketing could, quite possibly, mask some sort of, you know, criminal intent. Some of these, um, performers perform only to distract unsuspecting tourists, especially our streetwise 708ers.

“This community needs to grow more businesses like this one,” he continued, pointing to a corporate-controlled bank down the street. “A performer such as this one can really damage this bank’s integrity, profits, and ability to service all clients, especially through their personalized, automated teller system.”

When asked for her response to the petition, the sugar plum fairy, who only identified herself as “Ms. Washington,” refused to speak on the record. However, once this reporter’s microphone and notepad were safely put away to honor her request, she asked, “What about the noise made by the bell ringers outside of these same stores? Will they be harassed like I have been harassed?

“And what about that bank right there?” she continued, pointing to a corporate-controlled bank down the street. “The government fined them $17 billion for misleading investors about mortgages. Where is the petition against them?”

Such questions, the alderman responded, when confronted later by this reporter, border on blasphemy.

“Yes, Carl, my good friend, I hear you. Well, this is a world-class city that welcomes all corporate citizens irregardless of racist, classist, gender inequality, or ethnic-cleansing practices,” he said. “May this city stay open to many like us and upright, and may all your Christmases be white.”


About the author / 

Corey Hall

He is a freelance writer based on the South side of Chicago. He is also the editor and publisher of Expressions From Englewood, an annual journal that features work from people living, working, and/or going to school in the community.

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